Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving,  truly holds special meanings for every one. Family  and traditions. Family we were born with or married in to and family we make.  I have been blessed to have both.  The memories of large family gatherings  in Kurten, aunts, uncles, cousins,  food everywhere, no empty space at all. The laughter, constant commotion and noise.
In college many of my friends lived away and could not always go home to their families.   My parents always invited them in.  At one dinner I had about 10 college buddies. Lots of food. I was fortunate to have the kind of parents who opened their home to my friends, many times when I wasnt there I would find out they had stopped in, ate and usually had a home cooked meal packed for later too.
After I was married, the incorporation of my wifes family into my life was easy.  A large Greek family, cousins etc., reminded me of my youth. Lots of love, and oh so much food.
My wife and I were the first and really only to move around. In our marriage we have moved 5 or 6 times.  We have been very fortunate to have developed friendships and nurtured these into another extended family.  People whose friendship I cherish. People I know I can count on all the time.
I have reconnected with old friends on face book and linkd in, people I share a past with and I enjoy the glimpses into their lives, sort of keeping in touch.   Keep posting.
This past February I had a stroke as most of you know.  I have recovered, but it made me realize how many people-friends, family, acquaintances, have touched my life and hopefully I touched them. The enormous outpouring was overwhelming, much needed and appreciated. 
So at this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for.  Life, family and friends.  Thank you all for being a part of it.
Happy Thanksgiving.

I Guess I Should Title This..."How To Get Kicked Out Of Support Group"

You got it, I got kicked out of support group.  Those who know me understand that having a whiny and self pitying attitude is not my thing.  I have always been one who believed that you just pick yourself up, don't complain, and move on. No matter the circumstances.You get what you give... so to speak. So it should come as no surprise that I would get kicked from a support group that wallowed in self pity, and woe is me.
The support group is for stroke survivors.  The problem is that this group wasn't really supportive, it was more like a whining session for self pity zealots.  I couldn't really take it very well.  All of the incessant feel sorry for me posts.
The straw that broke the proverbial camels back, a post from a stroke survivor. He was complaining that his family, wife and children did not want to be around him.  That he was lonely and depressed.  His wife didn't love him anymore and his children were indifferent to him.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Well I tried to be kind,  "your wife and kids need time too, this is traumatic for them as well".  Most of the other posts were about the same as his, no one loves me, I have no friends, everyone hates me...
He continued on about.. feel sorry for me, I can't do....etc. etc.
I had reached my limit.  I posted to him that this self pity was getting him no where, that feeling sorry for your self was unbecoming.  I posted that he probably was like this before the stroke and shouldn't use it as a means of guilting his kids into spending time with him.  They probably didn't like him before the stroke anyway, if he was like this. As for his wife,  she also couldn't stand him before either, and now really resented him .  In other words he was already a jerk .
The next day I was blocked.  Oh well I really didn't need it anyway,  I have support, and I sure as hell never felt sorry for myself.  If I did though, I hope that someone would tell me like it is.  

What The F.....

I just sat through a lecture from a well meaning friend about how I need to take care of myself.  She began by telling me the glorious benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle.  How eating too much meat was probably one of the causes of my stroke.  Also, that wine I drink, killing me according to her. 
I sat politely and listened to the diatribe, then I had enough. 
"Listen, for your information, I started.  My cholesterol is  very low, my sugar level runs in the 90s, ( I keep monitored after the stroke), my blood pressure runs about 130 over 40. ( even in the hospital DURING the event my blood pressure was 124 over 40.  That glass of wine I drink every night, the my cardiologist says it contributes to my heart health.  I do not have ANY HEART ISSUES, no clogging, no artety issues NOTHING.  I lift weights a couple time a week, I do a timed 3 mile walk
4 times a week. "  I had a cryptogenic stroke, no known cause.  I continue habing myriads of tests trying to find a cause.    The only thing bad for my health is sitting here listening to you.  So I got up and left. 
I know people mean well, but most should just shut up and give a hug.

It's the little things....

Today marks my 4th month post stroke.
I have been able to return to an almost pre- stroke life.  Small little things that I am learning to adapt to or continue working on.  There are many times when I forget that I even had a stroke.  Like when I get up in the morning and go to brush my teeth, reaching for the tube with my left hand I start to squeeze and then it hits me, my left hand just doesn't quite maneuver  like it should.
I get in a hurry to eat lunch and I forget that chewing on my left side is a slow process, otherwise I repeatedly bite my lip and tongue.  But these l have little things will continue to improve or be compensated  for.  I try to use both hands when using a keyboard, typing is slow, but getting better.  My brain is now telling which fingers  to move for each key.  When I am alone I work my way to the piano and slowly work through the scales.  Liberace  I am not.....yet.
There have been blessings too.  I have slowed down my work life, spending 60 hours a week on the go just doesn't do it for me anymore. And, the people at work are totally fine.  The world didn't stop because I leave on time and leave work at work.  I also found that I had a huge support group at church.  We have always gone to church, usually quietly among the parishoners. Minimally involved. But,  not until this happened did I realize how many people would continually reach out.  I have also become close with my sister and brother.  We have always loved and gotten along but communicated only a few times a year.  Now it's is several times a week if not daily.  My 62 year old brother even joined facebook.  My wife and I have become even closer, she is a true hero. And my daughter, well she is so grown up, such an adult, watching over me like a mother hen, holding my hand cutting my food if needed and just being wonderful.  The dogs (2 standard poodles) even wait for me to go up or down stairs before approaching.
I was always told I was stubborn  (Taurus you know).  But I did not really understand how determined I could be.  When I was alone in the rehab hospital I would lay in the bed-scared to death of what the future held.  Everyone I knew who had a stroke ended up paralyzed, sitting in a chair smoking pack after pack waiting to die.
That was not me.  I pushed my limits every day, and pushed my therapists too.   I took every little movement as a major win.  I still have weights by the couch and wrist exercises I continually do. I walk as many times a week as I can.   I am determined to live my life and enjoy it.  Never, ever stop.....

Helens' Halos

I have always thought I was  one of the luckiest guys, now I know I am.  The delights of being a father are perhaps the greatest honor any person can have.
The honor of being Helens father is the greatest honor a person can have.
She and I went to eat on Sunday, our favorite steakhouse.  This is the first time since my stroke.  I still haven't quite managed the intricacies of holding a fork or knife in my left hand.  Cutting a steak seemed like an impossible action.  My aprehension must have shown.  We ordered our dinner, talked and mused over the day.  Dinner came.  I picked up my utensils and started the hacking.  I made a concerted effort and was able to get a few pieces but it was evident it was going to take awhile.  Without a word Helen reached over, picked up my plate and cut my steak.  Each morsel cut with precision and love.  I humbly said Thank You.  Helen just looked at me and said " Dad you cut my steaks and fed me for a long time, I can do the same ."

Love Notes

I am heading back to work tomorrow,  so I need to tell a couple of people how much I love them and appreciate them. 
When something catastrophic happens to you the whole world totally revolves around you.  Everyone wants to know how YOU are, everyone wants to talk to you or about YOU.  YOU get cards and letters, flowers, and phone calls.  People tend to forget that there are other people affected too. In my case two very extraordinary people. 
First let me talk about my daughter.  When something like a stroke happens to you it is very scary.   I thought of how scared I was, I never thought how scared Helen must be.  Seeing your parent in a hospital and the uncertainty of what the future holds has got to be the stuff sleepless nights are made of.  But, to her credit she never let on.  She was a pillar.  She watched over me like a hawk.  Massaged my hand, tied my shoes when I couldnt,  buttoned my buttons, cooked and learned to open and pour a bottle of wine.  When she could've been going out with friends she stayed with me.  She never complained about how my situation changed her life.  At her young age she knew that when you love someone you do whatever you need to.  She was and is a great therapist too. 
When my left arm wouldn't move she watched the therapists and worked with me at home.  She even innovated.  Her biggest achievement, getting my arm to move.  She picked up one of the small exercise balls and threw it at me.  She did this repeatedly believing that I would eventually move my arm to catch it or bat it away.  And I did.  One night I caught the ball, oh what a celebration we had. 
Now my wife .  I have enjoyed the love and company of this woman for 26 years.  We have seen good and bad, and always made it through.  This woman sat by my bed for hours, was my advocate with doctors, hospitals, insurance companies.   She was there to comb my hair and brush my teeth.  She held me when I took my first steps and continues to watch over me.  She held me when I cried and listened when I was frustrated .  She is also my toughest critic.  At times I would get down and she was always there to kick my ass and move me along.  She never coddled me.  If I needed something she made me get it, she would just say do it, don't look at me, just do it.  And I did.
I have two of the most wonderful women watching me, and I love them with all my heart.

Those Friggin Pegs

As most of you remember part of my therapy consisted of a balance beam (which I mastered with the grace of a true pro), and working with pegs.  There are several exercises I have to do with them.  Taking them in and out of holes in a board, just like the game at Cracker Barrel, picking up these extremely small round pegs and putting them in designs, using tweezers to do these same exercises with.  I know that most of you think "what stupid things to be doing".  But, I had to teach my fingers how to move again.  The part of my brain that sent stimuli to my left side (including the fine motor skills) was dead.  We only use a fraction of our brain, even Einstein.  So there are plenty of cells just sitting around that can learn new orders. Many days I sat talking to my fingers telling them to move (the stubborn little bastards).   The therapists would sit and manipulate my hand and fingers as I told them what to do, giving the brain the charge that it was actually speaking to them. Little by little they have progressed, the brain has found new pathways to send signals. Those friggin little pegs are no match for me and my super powers. It is said that a man can move a mountain using mind over matter. I dont know if that is true, but I do know that with will, determination and faith I have moved my fingers.  My next goal, being able to play the piano again. And I know I can do it.
Giving the Gigem, just 2 weeks ago I could not do this.

Visiting the Kingdom

Mary Lou and Me

I continue therapy 2x a week, 4 hours.  Today as I was waiting for my therapist another patient leaned over and said "what are you here for"?   Oh how  I wanted to say " had to shank this dude, disrespected me".
So, that balance beam.  Conquered that b_____. Full three times forward and three times backward.  Now try that any of you . I'm telling you Mary Lou Retton wasnt as proud as I was today. My drill sargent Marcie and the  whole group in therapy had stopped and watched me, giving me a round of applause.   I was standing tall.  Making my victory lap through the gym on my way to the tables to be stretched, I stepped on my shoelace and almost fell flat.  Well it was good while it lasted.
Now, if I can just whip those friggin pegs.
Thank you all for the continued well wishes

Pride Goeth

Many, many years ago my first "actual" job was as a janitor in a nursing home. I say real job because my first pay date came as a chicken plucker at the local chicken farm , I was 11 or 12, and was paid by the chicken. (Yes that is a real job) I still dont know which was better or worse. But , I digress again.
Working in a nursing home changes your perspective on many things.  And, one thing (listen up hear this is important) that I learned is that you must keep your sense of humor. 
Laughing at yourself, and being able to find the funny in anything,  even a stroke.
So yesterday my DR., released me to drive.  "Just dont plan on any cross country drives anytime soon". Yea, forget it Im free, im hittin the road jack not lookin back, are you kidding me.  If I can make it to starbucks my day is done. 
The plan is hopefully to be back at work mid-May.  But, I have a few goals to achieve. First, yes those damn pegs, gotta be able to put the peg in a hole. Yea your laughing, just try it without moving any fingers.  Next, I have to be able to balance.  I have to walk a balance beam forward and back two times each without falling. Now, I know that if the majority of you had to do this to keep your jobs there would be a lot of unemployed people out there. Just keep that in mind when you see a disabled person, you never know what you can do until you have to.
So, let me tie all this together.  Working at the nursing home taught me alot about laughter and pride.  Looking back I remember  people struggling to put on their clothes and having to ask for help to do minor things. As a cocky teenager im sure I was not an emblem of understanding or compassion. 
A few weeks ago my daughter was in a play at school. I wanted to go of course, but I did not want to embarrass her or me.  So I insisted in wearing street clothes, not the stretchy pants I was able to pull on and off myself. With a little fanfare my wife was able to button and zip me and off we went.  Everything was great until the very end of the play.  I had to pee and could not hold it anymore.  At the bathroom my wife undid the button and I was able to go I  and take care of business.  Now the issue, how to zip and button again.  As I said pride goeth, I made it into the hall and the wife redid me .  No one came by, but I was prepared to give the "whatcha lookin at"  to any one.  Needless to say I couldnt wait to get home to the stretchy pants. 

Not a Death Sentence

Houdini and Me

Houdini may have been a master illusionist but he ain't got nothing on me.  His escape from various "traps" is legendary.   But, have you ever tried to tie a shoe with one hand, or put on a pair of pants, button a shirt, or my favorite. ..put on deodorant. Now try that with one hand. 
After a stroke you have to open your mind and learn to do things differently.   And, the human brain is up to the task.  It is remarkable what you can relearn , and how when presented with a problem your brain opens up so many new avenues.
You look at problems  or potential obstacles through a new set of eyes ( so to speak). You find that buttoning a shirt can be done, and yes putting on deodorant becomes an achievement.
Cooking a meal is possible, though chopping an onion has presented it's own set of problems. But, I will be able to accomplish this too.
Houdini ain't got nothing on me.

That Oh Shit Moment...

Spending a week and a half in a  rehab hospital really wakes a person up to what is important.  I was totally engrossed in my opportunities, my left side. When I went in I had a little drag and weakness in my left leg and weakness in my left arm, my hand on my left side could not open and everyday it seemed to get tighter.  The left side of my face had a sag and my speech was slurred. 
Now this may seem like extensive issues, but looking back I realize my issues were very small.  There were people may age who had much more severe issues. Complete loss of motion on one side, loss of the ability to speak or swallow (yikes), and blindness.  My problems were very mild.
  I don't really know what I was thinking rehab would do.   The first day of rehab was a huge awakening.   During the OT portion I was asked to pick up some pegs and put them in holes on a board. Easy enough I thought, whoa nellie not so fast.  Those damn little pegs became my nemesis.  I learned quickly to hate that box that housed those pegs, and my determination became stronger to kick their ass. (Yes, I was talking to inanimate objects ).
PT was up next. PT takes care of your lower extremities.   Standing, walking, balance etc.  Now, I have been walking quite successfully for many years.  On the first day they put you through aset of "trials".  Standing for 30 seconds, stretching, stepping over small cones in the hall.  All seem simple enough. " I got this" I thought.    Trying to stand in place for 30 seconds, you must be kidding.  It only took me about 10 seconds to lose my balance and start to fall. "Oh shit" that ah hah moment still sticks with me.  This road was going to be all uphill.  The only consolation was that I was driving a brand new 4 wheel drive.  Some of my comrades were in old jolopies that were quickly running out of gas.
On the road to recovery! !!