One Year Ago....

Everyone has special things they remember, the first kiss, marriage,birth of a child, stroke and the list goes on.  Yes I said stroke.  So, a year ago today I had a stroke.  I woke up that morning feeling tired, but it was early and I had to get to work.  I poured myself a coffee and noticed when I went to drink I dribbled a bit. Nothing major I remember thinking "how stupid, I never spill"... I did feel that my left arm was  weak, kinda like a pulled muscle, no strength. My left leg was dragging, but again I thought it was my bad knee, you know the one I messed up riding my daughters longboard while being pulled by two standard poodles.  Yea, that knee.
I drove myself to work, Yep, I DROVE TO WORK, 42 miles folks.  In the parking lot I did notice my leg dragging more, but not worried.  In the building I was trying to do some paperwork and I was talking to the maintenance man.  He noticed my slurred speech and went for help.  Our receiver came out to see, she asked me to stick out my tongue and immediately called an ambulance.
So there it is, events of a year ago.  In the past year I have fought back from almost immobility to almost complete recovery.  A lot of hard work, and alot of prayers from all over the world.  I can not ever Thank everyone enough for that.  I have found out in the past year that stroke is more common than we know, and  the population having them is getting younger.  I can count 4 people I know under 55.
Something that all the doctors rehab and therapists kept telling me that in one year I will be where I will be.  Meaning that my recovery will pretty much end at that time.  So I have spent much of the day contemplating that.  And here is where I am.  My left arm is weaker, but still functions.  My typing is not as neat as it was.  But, you will have to deal with that.  I have tingling left in my lips, and I still drag my leg when I get tired..  Everything is magnified when I am tired.  I still have asphasia, due to my voice box not closing all he way.  So that is what I am physically left with.  I am also left with a wife who sat by my bed for hours, and is still by my side.  A daughter whose undying never wavering affection keeps me strong.  An extended family who still watches over me and prays for me.  A workplace that supported me, stood by me, and waited for me to return.

I think I am one lucky guy.

The Brain Fart

The brain fart....a misconception to most people, a humorous term used to describe a situation when they make a bad decision or forget something... not so serious in this sense.  I think of my stroke as a brain fart.  An eruption or sudden explosion I had no control over.  A silent "killer".  In eleven months the doctors have not been able to determine the cause.  The focus is now on a possible microscopic air bubble... hence the fart.  I had a Qlinc implanted a month ago.  This implant will monitor my heart for any sudden or irregular beats for about 2 years.  I have a device that plugs into a wall and sends constant uploads to a monitoring station.  Supposedly if anything goes wrong a dispatch is sent immediately.  This is not a pace maker or anything like that, it monitors the blood flow and checks for air bubbles.  I am sure my family wishes I had an air monitor on another part of my body.
Years ago a TV show..Boston Legal, featured a character played by William Shatner who would blame any irrational behavior or absent mindedness on mad cow disease.  This let him get away with much.  I tell people I had a brain fart.  When they look at me funny and laugh a little, I get a serious look on my face and say "No, really, I had a brain fart".  I figure this can be an excuse for my behavior well into old age.  God gave me an excuse not to have to act like a grown up,  now if I could just find my longboard, the family keeps hiding it from me. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving,  truly holds special meanings for every one. Family  and traditions. Family we were born with or married in to and family we make.  I have been blessed to have both.  The memories of large family gatherings  in Kurten, aunts, uncles, cousins,  food everywhere, no empty space at all. The laughter, constant commotion and noise.
In college many of my friends lived away and could not always go home to their families.   My parents always invited them in.  At one dinner I had about 10 college buddies. Lots of food. I was fortunate to have the kind of parents who opened their home to my friends, many times when I wasnt there I would find out they had stopped in, ate and usually had a home cooked meal packed for later too.
After I was married, the incorporation of my wifes family into my life was easy.  A large Greek family, cousins etc., reminded me of my youth. Lots of love, and oh so much food.
My wife and I were the first and really only to move around. In our marriage we have moved 5 or 6 times.  We have been very fortunate to have developed friendships and nurtured these into another extended family.  People whose friendship I cherish. People I know I can count on all the time.
I have reconnected with old friends on face book and linkd in, people I share a past with and I enjoy the glimpses into their lives, sort of keeping in touch.   Keep posting.
This past February I had a stroke as most of you know.  I have recovered, but it made me realize how many people-friends, family, acquaintances, have touched my life and hopefully I touched them. The enormous outpouring was overwhelming, much needed and appreciated. 
So at this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for.  Life, family and friends.  Thank you all for being a part of it.
Happy Thanksgiving.

I Guess I Should Title This..."How To Get Kicked Out Of Support Group"

You got it, I got kicked out of support group.  Those who know me understand that having a whiny and self pitying attitude is not my thing.  I have always been one who believed that you just pick yourself up, don't complain, and move on. No matter the circumstances.You get what you give... so to speak. So it should come as no surprise that I would get kicked from a support group that wallowed in self pity, and woe is me.
The support group is for stroke survivors.  The problem is that this group wasn't really supportive, it was more like a whining session for self pity zealots.  I couldn't really take it very well.  All of the incessant feel sorry for me posts.
The straw that broke the proverbial camels back, a post from a stroke survivor. He was complaining that his family, wife and children did not want to be around him.  That he was lonely and depressed.  His wife didn't love him anymore and his children were indifferent to him.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Well I tried to be kind,  "your wife and kids need time too, this is traumatic for them as well".  Most of the other posts were about the same as his, no one loves me, I have no friends, everyone hates me...
He continued on about.. feel sorry for me, I can't do....etc. etc.
I had reached my limit.  I posted to him that this self pity was getting him no where, that feeling sorry for your self was unbecoming.  I posted that he probably was like this before the stroke and shouldn't use it as a means of guilting his kids into spending time with him.  They probably didn't like him before the stroke anyway, if he was like this. As for his wife,  she also couldn't stand him before either, and now really resented him .  In other words he was already a jerk .
The next day I was blocked.  Oh well I really didn't need it anyway,  I have support, and I sure as hell never felt sorry for myself.  If I did though, I hope that someone would tell me like it is.  

What The F.....

I just sat through a lecture from a well meaning friend about how I need to take care of myself.  She began by telling me the glorious benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle.  How eating too much meat was probably one of the causes of my stroke.  Also, that wine I drink, killing me according to her. 
I sat politely and listened to the diatribe, then I had enough. 
"Listen, for your information, I started.  My cholesterol is  very low, my sugar level runs in the 90s, ( I keep monitored after the stroke), my blood pressure runs about 130 over 40. ( even in the hospital DURING the event my blood pressure was 124 over 40.  That glass of wine I drink every night, the my cardiologist says it contributes to my heart health.  I do not have ANY HEART ISSUES, no clogging, no artety issues NOTHING.  I lift weights a couple time a week, I do a timed 3 mile walk
4 times a week. "  I had a cryptogenic stroke, no known cause.  I continue habing myriads of tests trying to find a cause.    The only thing bad for my health is sitting here listening to you.  So I got up and left. 
I know people mean well, but most should just shut up and give a hug.

It's the little things....

Today marks my 4th month post stroke.
I have been able to return to an almost pre- stroke life.  Small little things that I am learning to adapt to or continue working on.  There are many times when I forget that I even had a stroke.  Like when I get up in the morning and go to brush my teeth, reaching for the tube with my left hand I start to squeeze and then it hits me, my left hand just doesn't quite maneuver  like it should.
I get in a hurry to eat lunch and I forget that chewing on my left side is a slow process, otherwise I repeatedly bite my lip and tongue.  But these l have little things will continue to improve or be compensated  for.  I try to use both hands when using a keyboard, typing is slow, but getting better.  My brain is now telling which fingers  to move for each key.  When I am alone I work my way to the piano and slowly work through the scales.  Liberace  I am not.....yet.
There have been blessings too.  I have slowed down my work life, spending 60 hours a week on the go just doesn't do it for me anymore. And, the people at work are totally fine.  The world didn't stop because I leave on time and leave work at work.  I also found that I had a huge support group at church.  We have always gone to church, usually quietly among the parishoners. Minimally involved. But,  not until this happened did I realize how many people would continually reach out.  I have also become close with my sister and brother.  We have always loved and gotten along but communicated only a few times a year.  Now it's is several times a week if not daily.  My 62 year old brother even joined facebook.  My wife and I have become even closer, she is a true hero. And my daughter, well she is so grown up, such an adult, watching over me like a mother hen, holding my hand cutting my food if needed and just being wonderful.  The dogs (2 standard poodles) even wait for me to go up or down stairs before approaching.
I was always told I was stubborn  (Taurus you know).  But I did not really understand how determined I could be.  When I was alone in the rehab hospital I would lay in the bed-scared to death of what the future held.  Everyone I knew who had a stroke ended up paralyzed, sitting in a chair smoking pack after pack waiting to die.
That was not me.  I pushed my limits every day, and pushed my therapists too.   I took every little movement as a major win.  I still have weights by the couch and wrist exercises I continually do. I walk as many times a week as I can.   I am determined to live my life and enjoy it.  Never, ever stop.....

Helens' Halos

I have always thought I was  one of the luckiest guys, now I know I am.  The delights of being a father are perhaps the greatest honor any person can have.
The honor of being Helens father is the greatest honor a person can have.
She and I went to eat on Sunday, our favorite steakhouse.  This is the first time since my stroke.  I still haven't quite managed the intricacies of holding a fork or knife in my left hand.  Cutting a steak seemed like an impossible action.  My aprehension must have shown.  We ordered our dinner, talked and mused over the day.  Dinner came.  I picked up my utensils and started the hacking.  I made a concerted effort and was able to get a few pieces but it was evident it was going to take awhile.  Without a word Helen reached over, picked up my plate and cut my steak.  Each morsel cut with precision and love.  I humbly said Thank You.  Helen just looked at me and said " Dad you cut my steaks and fed me for a long time, I can do the same ."